A place named “Killingly” voted to bring back their racist mascot, surprising no one.
Listen.
Some lil’ white town school board somewhere voted to reinstate their lil’ old racist mascot, and I get it, you’re mad.
As well you should be, cuz as I said, its racist. Not only is its racist, the practice of having these racist mascots has been shown to harm the self worth of Native youth.
You’re mad! You want action! You want to take to the social medias and lambaste these palefaces (I’m taking it back, don’t @ me SNL) with a well worded tweet, specifically and pointedly exposing the hypocrisy of racist mascots, showing how it is the opposite of ironic that a place essentially named “Colonial Murdertown” should exist and then explicitly want to keep a racist mascot, and then make a list of what to call white people in return that would probably go like this:
1.) White people (obvious, sure, but they really don’t like it for some reason.)
2.) Whites
3.) Paleface
4.) Lance Armstrong (When they are bald and have a bicycle)
5.) Murderer(s)
6.) Lovely little liberal white (When they are in Seattle)
7.) The good one(s)
8.) Mom
I hear you, and I get it — I really do. But, lemme offer an alternative.
We do nothing.
And instead, we put our efforts towards my new plan to deal with the white problem:
DECOLONIZATION TIME MACHINE
Ok, ok hear me out. I can hear you saying, “Howie, that is ridiculous, we have to teach the whites, if we don’t teach them who will?”
And I answer, “PLEASE GET OUT OF MY HEAD, I HAVEN’T SLEPT IN WEEKS––I DIDN’T ASK TO HEAR ALL OF YOU!!! JACOB, WHY HAVE YOU CURSED ME SO!?”
But after that, “If palefaces have shown us anything, it’s that they aren’t gonna learn shit.”
You know who knew a ton about Native people?
The first fucking colonizers. Those assholes could speak the languages, they knew how to meet and trade with multiple cultures — they knew what was up. And what did that do with all that knowledge?
I’ll give you one guess, and it rhymes with “jenocide.”
We have been trying to teach these Lance Armstrong’s for nigh upon 500 years, and now it has come time for the only solution that will work:
THE DECOLONIZATION TIME MACHINE.
I hear you saying, “But if we do go back in time, won’t that just split our timelines, leaving room for an angry group of dystopic future dwelling Natives from the other timeline to come to out prime timeline and claim the peace they believe is rightfully theirs?”
One problem at a time folx. And anyways, that’s some lovely little liberal white people shit, decolonize your time travel references.
And just think, when we enact plan: “DECOLONIZATION TIME MACHINE,” we will finally be able to have our own sports teams, like the Colonial Murdertown “White People,” the Seattle “Lovely Little Liberal Whites,” and the “L.A. Mom’s.”
And even if it doesn’t work and somehow in the process we end up opening a black hole, or recreating the Big Bang, it’ll be less work in the long run, cuz I have had about all of the Good One’s I can take.
You hear me, BRIAN? I DON’T CARE THAT YOU WERE A WOMEN’S STUDY MINOR OR HOW MANY TIMES YOU’VE READ THE PREFACE OF “LIES MY TEACHER TOLD ME,” YOU CAN’T TALK ABOUT GENTRIFICATION WHEN YOU LIVE IN THE CITY AND EXPECT ME NOT TO YELL.
So, let’s just invest in some sort of reverse only driving Delorian, and push it to 88 real quick.
Also, the only way the name can stay is if they change their mascot to a very sunburned vacationer.