I wrote a scary xmas story for a scary xmas party.
I’m really filling a hole in the market of xmas stories.
Twas the night before xmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for the mouse.
A rat, more like, and this family he did hate,
For they had killed all his kids, and what’s more, they never left any scraps to be ate.
But tonight, oh tonight, this rat had made up his mind,
Tonight, oh tonight, human flesh his rat mouth would find.
He crawled between the children, nestled all snug in their beds;
While visions of their dead bodies danced in his head;
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and the papa in his cap,
Their hetero romance would take the long nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
They sprang from their beds to see what was the matter.
Away to the window they flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave a lustre of midday to objects below,
When what to their wondering eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny rein-deer,
“Oh fuck,” the rat said in its head,
“I guess Saint Nick has got to also get dead.”
“Another to my list,” it said quite sly,
Knowing that immortal just must die.
He had prepared for this moment, and on every 4th of July,
He had gathered stray fireworks, enough to light up the sky.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Ran to the filled stockings; then turned with a jerk,
The rat ran to the fireplace quick,
He knew that would be the place to catch that dick, St. Nick.
As the family gathered near, and St. Nick dropped down into the flue,
The rat pulled a cleverly laid string, and said, “Lets all go kaboom.”
As the firemen came, and the ambulances rang,
The whole house burnt to a crisp, and a rat sat far down the lane.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod as the smoke of their bodies rose,
I heard him exclaim, “That was for you Tommy, Janie and Ron,”
Little did he know, he had gotten all their names wrong.
Happy Christmas.
